I remember when there was a guilt free way of living. When I decided not to take this life so personally. I recall a time where I woke up with a clear conscience. I can still see the same sky, with the same eyes and perception. Nothing seems to be recognizable in my mind. I remember when I had no weight on my shoulders. I think back to existing, to living, to caring. Now, at a time where love doesn’t live here anymore. Now, when all the leaves have long fallen. The trees withering under the blinding sun. The grass has dried up and gone. I have no purpose here. I have no reason. This seems to be what makes the most sense. Why should i care? Why should i continue to TRY. Why would I bother to fix what’s so easily broken, just to replay this broken record. I will be your scapegoat. I will be your punching bag. Stab me…insult me…judge me… While there isn’t much more i can take. I think too much, i am the epitome of over analyzing. I worry too much. My mind always getting the best of me. The lying, the cheating, the stories and false accusations. Why is this world of mine one worth saving? Why not just wipe the slate clean and start over? Obstacle after obstacle as if they were placed on a treadmill. And you think i wouldn’t get sick of it? Once and awhile the song playing in my life will skip. But only for a moment. Just enough time to think change is on its way. As usual, This assumption is proven false. I need to run. I need to go. Just pack my bags and run away. A change of scenery. A change of everything.

I stand before you…Once again my old friend. How long has time stood between us? How many decisions have i made…not to include your opinion. Never to ask you any questions. I assumed you left me here. I assumed you continued to punish me for what i have become. Did you take my best friend from me? It was just yesterday I took the dogtags from around my neck…and placed them in his casket. Were you behind it? Am i being held accountable? To be honest, I can’t stand anymore. My legs cannot support the weight that has been placed on my shoulders. The burden i wake up and carry. The guilt is my demise. It destroys me from the inside out. It completes what seems to be eating away at my soul. I have no choice, i have no fight. I have no strength. I have laid myself down since the last time we spoke. The man that cursed you, with a clenched fist pointed towards the direction which i think you reside. The man that blamed you for taking those closest to me. The man that searches for reason, direction and the answers that never came. The boy full of resentment, anger and pain. Why cant you just get this over with….Why must i continue to be an example of what has failed. I am alone. I live in the fog of emptiness, the shades over my eyes are my past regrets. I no longer know who i am. Becoming more of a monster with each breath. Something that only exists on paper. The blood in my veins runs cold, the heart i own only pumps at its convenience. Is it too late? The later it gets the more i lose faith. Each passing moment. The pride seems to be slipping between my fingers, my knees broken. The life i used to love, transformed. Lend a hand, old friend. I’m begging you, now more than ever…. If there is still a chance. While i’m still willing. While i’m still able. While i’m still here. While i’m still….while I am STILL.

Oh how it feels. How it hurts. How it’s bittersweet. The cold which exists inside the pain. Inside the suffering amongts her prey. Still month after month, day by day they continue to line up. They preach of strength, absent minds and independence. They speak of a better future. Of a time to come, which will bring sunlight to the skies she clouds. Moments of promise and clarity. But her…she…she reigns supreme. Her throne built strong with a structure complete with past regrets. The defenses reach the mountain tops, the ones i once help bring down. But it came with a price….Now her thrown has my name carved on its back. Yet still, she glides aimlessly through what reality that mind created. Primarily, streets of assumptions and alleys shaped by mistakes. Yet still, she needs it…she wants it…its a craving based solely on attention. Lets bow before the queen of sympathy. For she no longer gets it from me…